I hate how I keep getting so emotional all the time. I'll be feeling good one minute, but then if something happens that would normally just piss me off a bit I end up bursting into tears.
I keep looking at myself in a negative light...I feel like I can't do anything right sometimes. Physically I keep feeling one pain or another, although i've been told I'm just being a hypochondriac. I keep forgetting simple things, like pulling my car into the driveway at night so I don't get a ticket. My room never seems to be clean, even after I clean it so i'm constantly being pestered by my mom. I don't seem to have any attention span sometimes, and end up starting one thing and getting distracted by another, and then never getting the first one done. My stepdad drives me crazy and sometimes I just want to tell him to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
I'm starting to slip when it comes to doing my homework, and it terrifies me that I could possibly slip back into the routine that I had in middle and most of high school that ended up killing my grades. My Explorations In Reading class is supposed to be a stupid easy class that I can just sail by in, but I haven't been journaling on my book like I'm supposed to because I can't even bear to read it.
The book I'm reading is a nonfiction account of a father's struggle with a divorce and having 2 kids who are seriously mentally ill. One is bipolar and one has depression. I hate having to read it because it brings this nagging feeling of knowing I'm depressed into the front of my mind.
The main reason I hate myself right now is because I can't seem to ever tell anyone exactly how i'm feeling. My mom has picked up on that I seem down in the dumps sometimes, but when she asked me about it I denied it. I've hinted about it to other people close to me, but I can't expect them to be mind-readers. I want to reach out for help, but there's something inside keeping me from doing it.
I can't even bring myself to post this on deviantart, because I know as soon as I post it I'll just delete it so no one else will see.

I had a LJ back in the day (ok so it was only 2 years ago but you get my drift) but I stopped using it after a while. I don't know who's actually going to read my journal entries here, but they're not bound to be fascinating, so beware.

I'm only doing this as a spur-of-the-moment thing and plus I keep telling myself I should keep a daily journal. Partly because I write a whole lot of crap on deviantart and I have a feeling most of the stuff I write on there no one cares about, and I should probably spare my watchers from that. Another reason is that I need a place to write ideas down, besides on random post-it notes that I lose. The third reason is that sometimes I want to get my feelings out and I don't really want to keep writing out my angst in a spiral notebook. Not like LJ is much better, seeing as it's wide open on the internet.

So that's pretty much it for some sort of introduction or mission statement. I have no idea if I'll actually keep up this account, because I tend to forget about these things or just lose interest.

As for today, it was fairly uneventful. Psych was boring, so was German. And then my comp. graphics teacher was gone 3rd hour, so I just slacked off the whole hour. Alex (my boyfriend) usually comes to my tutorial class 4th hr. during his lunch and eats there, but he was gone from classes most of the day because he had to play with the band for the school musical (this year it's Seussical...hopefully I can go and see it on the weekend or whatever). Lunch was boring, especially since Vince (rhyme!) has been leaving the table 15 minutes into the lunch period to visit/bum money off his "pet freshman" every day. The funny thing is that he's only a sophomore but he's always "aww lol look at th litle froshes their so cute and gulable!" (I butchered the words and grammar because that's how he writes).
Then 5th hour I had explorations in reading, which is such a waste of time. She keeps giving us these stupid little assignments on how to "focus your reading" or some bullshit like that, which I really don't need. I know how to read, damnit! I thought the class would just entail reading a book of your choice during the class period, then writing a paper or something every few weeks. I'd be fine with that.
Enough of ranting about 5th hour. I have Photo the hour after that, which is an equally lame class, but at least I get to make some art. Ally had to do her studio lighting shots today (with me being the model) and I practically went blind from those insanely bright lights. I'm probably squinting in all the pictures. D:
Then 7th hour I have debate...just finished up listening to the last couple mini debates. Alex was back in class and was super tired, which in turn made me sort of tired too.

I should get started on my homework now. I just have a little german hw to do, but I should get to it before I forget to do it at all and then think "OH SHIT!" while I'm driving to school.

That reminds me, I really need to clean my car. At least on the inside because there's dust and Hot Pocket wrappers everywhere, along with random snippets of paper with driving directions. My dingleberry trim is coming off too. I should just glue it on. The outside of my car is dirty, too, but it's wintertime so there's no point in cleaning it if it's going to get all salty and nasty 5 seconds later.

Tschau, tschuss, bis spaeter, peace out.

-Jane